Nothing In Common

I was thinking today about family interaction.  I have two siblings, a brother and a sister, who are 4 and 8 years younger than me, respectively.  It is an interesting place, the top of the heap.  It comes with a different sense of responsibility, expectation and a fiercer sense of protection, which, if I’m being honest, has caused a scuffle or two in the past amongst the three of us.

What got me on this perspective, reflective, dejected journey in the first place was hearing a Jason Robert Brown song called, “Nothing In Common.”  It’s a heartfelt love song to his brother, David.  Naturally, it explores all of the stereotypical big brother/little brother situations, but it does so in a way that gives us a peek into the subtext of those situations which are how we, as siblings, say I love you without betraying our childhood vows to hate each other until the day we die.  Just a little tip from me to you--find it on iTunes and download it immediately.  

Anyway, getting back on track, it got me thinking about my relationships with my sibs and wondering if I have made it easy for them to be able to read my subtext—what my purpose for being the pain in the…ahem…that I know I can be and how I, be it good or not so good, convey my love and respect for them.

If you were to ask my brother what he believes my opinion of him to be, I’m not sure it would be 100% accurate.  I think he would get the “how” but not the “why.”  He would probably say that I am very critical of him—which I can be—and that I am critical of him because of some small sort of disappointment I feel in the man he has grown to be.  Nothing could be farther from the truth, but I don’t think I have ever really said that to him without it being hidden behind, “What are you doing with your life?!”  I suppose I felt like I had shown him that I care by encouraging (nagging) him about working harder, studying harder, taking more responsibility, but I have never said to him, “You have the most potential of anybody I have ever known and I expect great things from you because you are capable of them. You possess a brilliant mind, a sweet nature, a loyal soul, and more charm than the entire population of Ireland and whatever you set your sights on you can achieve as long as you remember to stay focused.”  What makes me sad is that not only have I not said that, I haven’t said it over and over and over until I know that he believes it as well.  I have to say, reading the subtext for that is much easier than reading the subtext for, “What are you DOING?!”

Ok, baby sister's turn.  I really don’t think there is the major communication breakdown with her that I tend to have with my brother, but that is the nature of women.  Sisters, on average, have no trouble running on and on and on and on until the subject has been beaten to death, resurrected, and battered again.  However, the problem with that much communication is that often times word count out weighs content.  Over thinking happens.  Saying too much happens.  Offering up opinions and advice when they aren’t requested happens…and not following said advice can lead to feeling like one has let said advisor down.  I feel like this happens a lot where my sister is concerned.  I have a strong personality. I have a big mouth and big opinions…and there are times when I let my big mouth and big opinions overload my big butt.  Often, when I feel like she has been wronged or her heart has been damaged, my big personality comes out swinging and forgets to let her fight her own battles; and, perhaps my reactions lead her to believe that I think her incapable of doing so.  The thing about it is…while I have a strong personality, she is a strong person.  She has come through some pretty tough times.  Times that would make a lesser person bitter, distrusting, or down right cynical; however, she has done so while keeping her compassion, her grace, and her hope.  It takes a secure person to be able to do that and I have so much respect for her. She is the bravest person I know and the silent rock of this family.

So, there you have it.  Little brother is the brains, little sis is the brawn and I am the mouth piece.  We are a pretty good team…when we allow ourselves to be.  We just need to get the hand signals down so that we all know what the other is thinking without feeling like we have to call for a time out to converse…which almost always leads to a clearing of the benches…(how’d you like that little baseball analogy?) 

Lessons Learned:

1.  Even though my criticisms came from a place of love, they didn’t usually translate that way.

2.  I need to do a better of job letting others fight their own battles while I stand aside and cheer them on or patch up their wounds after a big win.

3.  Giving encouragement isn’t easier than tearing someone down, but it leaves both parties feeling much better about themselves and each other afterwards.

Final thought

So often, we assume too much.  Perhaps we should start assuming that others do not, in fact, read our minds and know our motivations for what we say--our subtext, if you will.  We should remember that our actions do not always speak louder than our words and that there are only so many times that a person can be made to feel worthless or helpless before they are convinced of it.  It takes a long time and a lot more words to undo that knot.  If you believe in someone, if you count on someone to be your solid base, if your heart breaks when their heart breaks, and if you would walk through fire if it meant that they would know every second of their life that you are always there for them, that you believe in them, that you expect the greatest of the great from them because they are exceptional, and that you would fight their battles for them if they needed you to...then you walk through that fire so that there is no confusion--and you do it without waiting for them to ask you to.  Or...you save yourself the blisters and just say so.